Transitions

I am a self-proclaimed dreamer. Maybe that’s why I have this knack for writing–because I’ve always had an imagination. In 1993, I had a daydream, ahem, fantasy about Jon Jon from Silk that was so real, you couldn’t tell me I didn’t just marry him and run off into the sunset to be an R&B wife. I have envisioned myself flipping through the pages of Essence and Vibe Magazine to find my name in the byline of some hot interview. I have imagined myself lounging on the beach with sand in between my toes without a care in the world.

I have also imagined myself being with you. For real. Not for play-play.

You are a dreamer, too. That’s what I love about you, but there is a disconnect. After all this time, it has become quite clear that this thing we have (whatever it is, I’m not sure) probably will not be a dream realized. Yes, we have chemistry and we can pick up from weeks, to months to years, and talk like we just hung up the phone. Yes, the sex is lovely(could it be because it doesn’t happen often?). Yes, I knew shortly after spending time with you that I had quickly fallen in love with you. Yes, I suspect the same thing happened to you. We have this thing that is so right, yet so dysfunctional.

I’m getting older and I don’t have time to waste like I did when I was 22. No, it’s not the end of the road for me either, but it’s time for some consistency and stability in my life. I don’t think you can offer that. I would like to think that you want to offer that, but it’s not in your power right now. See how I’m still making excuses for you?

I know your favorite color is blue. You sister recently had a baby. Shit like that.

You know I’m a writer, but have you ever read anything I’ve written? Have I ever even had the opportunity to share any of my writing with you?

No. You don’t and never had given me a chance. Your philosophy is our time together is so special so we have to focus on that. And I agree. I bask in it. We bask in it because neither of us know when it will happen again. And in the process, I forget about all of the other things that are important in a relationship. You knowing me and me knowing you.

I’m tired of second-guessing myself and trying to figure you out. It wasn’t my plan years ago to do this. Love is not supposed to be confusing, or so they say, and frankly, I’ve got other shit to do.