The Venting Room

Let Go, Let Flow

Two Sides of the Coin October 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 5:29 pm

Sometimes I am confused. I think of all of the numerous I will feel and the things I will, should say whenever I see you again. Because I know I will see you again. The track record has already proven the inevitable.

With all of the sudden deaths happening, it’s evident more than ever that you need to say what’s on your heart to the people in your life because tomorrow is not promised.  In that train of thought, I imagine that I’ll be all things that I hate: completely transparent, totally open and super-mushy. I’ll tell you that it’s not the sex that keeps me coming back, it’s possibly love. That I fell in love with you while I was sitting on my living room floor, you on the sofa telling jokes about me hogging all of the wine. That talking to you, even about pure bullshit, is the best thing going. I can appreciate that even though you keep your feelings at bay, you’re still much more open than I. Perhaps you want to hear me say those words. And perhaps that will give me a chance to free myself of what I’ve been holding in for a few years. Yeah–that long, dude.

Then too, I imagine screaming on you. Telling you that I’m not as naive and crazy as you think. I know you seek me out because you think I’ll fall into your trap every time. I know that you care nothing for me. If you did, you would SHOW it and not just when sleeping with me is convenient. A man is only as good as his word, so what does that say about you?

So exactly how do you do both when you’re only used to doing neither?

 

Wow June 23, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 7:59 pm

Last night, I realized something.

I am dependent on my friends. In my very small circle of friends, it seems as if they’re all doing their own thing. Whether it be with children, SOs, jobs, etc. That’s great…they’re making major moves. But I also noticed how I feel like I can’t do anything (atleast socially) without one of them. Can’t go out. Can’t take trips. It’s ridiculous. About the only thing I don’t feel like I need anyone to feel comfortable is my job and my home. 

There will come or has come a time when we won’t all be able to get together for special events and games and homecomings. I’m just seeing that and understanding that now after all this time.

Then, I have been trying to let this thing go. Trying to be over it. But I am still hurt by some things and some people. I always try to look at the positive side of things and the good experiences with people. But sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks–the bad stuff—-and I’m like, what the fuck? Let’s just say “Resentment” is my theme song these days. The Jazmin Sullivan version.

So, I have to get grown and make a social life for myself. I have to do it or I will make myself miserable and I don’t want to be. I have to much life in me to live an unfulfilled, dull life. God has already blessed me beyond measure. Might as well keep the party going.

 

The American Dream May 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 6:00 pm

Last night I cried over the Grey’s Anatomy finale. Not the little drops that I usually shed over damn near anything, but major crocodile tears. Sobbing. Over a television sitcom. There is power in hormones. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Today I am taking a gigantic step in adulthood and buying a house. After weeks of deals on and off of the table, postponed closing dates, loan processing fuck-ups and dealings with incompetent idiots, today is finally here. It’s the house that I want. Big enough for me, cute on the inside and outside with a small backyard that my grandmother can sit and relax in. The price is even better.

The day is finally here and I am depressed. I’m happy about the blessing that God is granting me, but right now at this very moment, I am not happy.

I am angry, aggravated and uneasy. I’m very interested to see how I will feel once those papers are signed, as I still won’t have the keys in my hand until Monday. I didn’t expect that anyway, but I’m just waiting. Praying to God to give me patience to do deal with things when they don’t go my way. Praying for a better and more grateful spirit. Praying that my ability to be the nice girl and internalize things, rather than lash out doesn’t take me to the hospital or the grave when I’m older. I have pretty much made myself sick due to stress that I didn’t even realize I was under.

It’s not healthy.

So in just less than three hours, hopefully, I should be “at the table.” Let’s see how this plays out.

 

Guess Who’s Bizzack? April 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 1:10 am

Summer is almost here. A lot a new things are on the horizon and I am so grateful. It’s been a while since I last posted, but ish happens. For example, a brief breakdown about life and lack of direction. Yeah, that really happened. It was crazy, but I suppose that’s what life is about right? How about having to tell a “more than friend” that we absolutely cannot be more than friends anymore? For the first time, I actually took the initiative and told him how it is and how I want it to be. I can’t lie, his outpour of feelings for me had me trippin for a minute. I do believe he’s sincere, but he’s not in the right place in life.

All I have ever wanted was for a guy to be straight with me about his feelings and I for the first time, I got it. Even though my feelings aren’t the same anymore, I still have to respect his honesty because I keep my own feelings locked away with the key hidden.

On another note, why must I attract married men?? Seriously. I know I’m not the only woman with this problem. What makes guys who are attached think they need to pursue something with me, talk to me, just plain communicate with me?? What the heezie is that about?

I used to think it was just me and some vibe I give off, but nah….it’s their punk asses.

Signing off…..

 

Bitter Bitches: I Need A Punching Bag March 8, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 3:17 am

This weekend, I am one of them. One of those women who always look at men with the side-eye. Just waiting for them to mess up before things even begin. One of those women who has been hurt and either has or has not embraced that consciously, so she subconsciously sabotages relationships. Yes, this weekend, she is I and I am she. She is a Bitter Bitch.

And it’s a damn shame.

I’m mad. Mad as hell, actually and I didn’t even realize it. Who am I mad at? First: Me, myself and I. How have I allowed myself to attract, be attracted to or deal with men with such foolishness? How have I allowed myself to become so angry? I can be honest and tell you that a few nights I have been the CEO and senior party planner of Pity Parties R Us. It hasn’t solved anything thus far, so I have finally done what I should have done years ago. I sincerely prayed to God to take away the hurt and anger that I feel sometimes in my heart. I think I sent it in snail mail, instead of email because within 24 hours I have mentally cut men down with profane and tasteless words. Sorry. Can’t help it.

Second: Him. Him is a few different men. How dare you drop off of the face of the earth and insist that fate is what keeps us “together” (paired with great sex)? How can you tell the same lie repeatedly? How can I not speak up and call you on your shit?

What happened to dating? What happned to wanting to get to know a woman and taking her out to do something. Why are we in our late 20s/30s and you are asking to “come and see” me? To stop by and holler at me? We are grown, dude. Ri-damn-diculous!

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m tired of talking about it. Tired of bitching about it, sitting up looking mean and venting to friends about something that will never change. The only thing I can change is myself. I have standards and I must be upfront about them. I can’t feel bad about shutting people down. No, you can’t come to my house. No, you can’t sleep with me after an eon of time has passed. No, you can have me and her, too. No, no, no.

Well, I’ll be damned. Waiting to Exhale is on. How appropriate.

 

Thoughts During History January 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 7:08 am

I am back. From DC. From a fantasy turned reality. To my reality—work. Hmmph.

Because I can’t articulate what I want to say about PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA and the miraculous workings of God. Seeing millions of people gathered to see history happen right before their eyes….I choose not to. Not right now.

I thought for a split second while I was out at some club in DC, how pathetic of me to think of being with a man while history is on the brink? Damn shame, I know. But sometimes I just want to be held. I want to rub noses with a guy (who I like!). Feel him squeeze me in a big hug and just stand there in time. It’s kinda sad, but I’m a woman, so that’s excuse enough. Does that feeling ever just HIT you like a mack truck sometimes? At the weirdest times and at the weirdest places? I know it does, so don’t try to act like it’s just me. Give me some support.

Yeah, that’s what I thought about as a saw the youngins grinding it out on the dancefloor. I used to do that. Twirk or get twirked out. I thought to myself, “Gosh, it’s so much more to life than that. Girl, you could be doing something else…useful.” Then the guy next to me offered to buy me a drink and that was all she wrote. All lovey dovey thoughts swished down the drain.

I refuse to make this the place where all I do is talk about men or the lack thereof. Let it be known that there are many more pressing things that go on in my life. Work, family, friendship, church. But for some reason, I don’t feel like writing about them. Oh well. And when things do pop off in the love department, I choose not to disclose them.

Some things are better left unsaid.

 

THE List January 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Kennedy Nicole @ 1:58 am

I’m finally taking the time to make this list. Don’t act like you don’t know what it is…it’s the list of the Perfect (for you) Man….because no one is perfect. So here goes…in no particular order.

Christian (Yes, I want my husband to believe in the birth and resurrection of JESUS!)

Must also have a relationship with God ( Christian does not always =relationship.)

African American (or part)

Handsome: no particular complexion, tall, nice hands, nice lips, no particular body type (although I usually go for slim)

GREAT sense of humor (to me) Make me laugh, dammit!

Honest

Employed

Affectionate (because I am not, really)

Patient ( because I’m crazy)

Cultured, but willing to learn new things

Not boastful, but confident

Not insecure

Hardworking

Well-dressed

Passionate

Self-determined

Educated (college education is not a requirement, but willing to learn new things and research craft)

Must be informed on current events (read, watch the news)

Not clingy

Good to his mother and sisters (if he has any)

Good relationship with father or father-figure (is that asking too much?)

Emotionally available

Goal-oriented

HETEROSEXUAL

Music lover

If said man is a father, he should be present in child’s life emotionally, physically and financially.

Must want children

Yeah, that’s the list. There are only four or five deal-breakers. This is not mandatory, by any means.